Losing can be learning
Another week gone by and I have been putting a lot of thought into what this blog might end up being. I have been thinking about the things in my life that have lead me to where I am today. Gladly I can say a lot of them, even the darker times, came with that light like the sun breaking through the clouds. Those darkest before the dawn moments. One of those moments I will share with you today.
Let's start with some history. I come from a good sized family and being the youngest and a girl I was pretty much raised with the ideal that my purpose was to find a good man and have a loving family of my own one day. For the longest time it was something I dearly wanted as I looked at my parents and saw how it could be very fufilling.
Come to my mid twenties and the loss of three unborn children, a close call on my own life and a marraige failed because of it all. I had started a new relationship with a man with a very young child that had also recently left his relationship. I was consumed you could say. Losses of children at any point hit to your very soul. The failure of my marriage as part of the fall out made the hole deeper. It make you question every part of your being and why you are even here if you can not even do what is this very basic part of life.
Needless to say, I allowed myself to become pregnant again as all I wanted was a child of my own to love unconditionally, and yet again, another loss. At the same time the man came to me and told me that his ex was pregnant with his child. How much worse could this get? What was I doing with myself? Why would God, Spirit or whatever being that looks towards our destiny allow things like this to happen. I was so devastated hurt and angry I couldn't even move forward. I stalled and stagnanted. Getting up every day was a struggle, but I did it because there was a child in my home even though it was not mine. While the man I was with did try to ease my pain, I felt his focus was on the child that would come to be with his ex. You might think me a fool for staying, and eventually it did end, but that is another story.
One day he was out and I was watching over this youngster. They were young enough that the speech had not happened yet and they were just starting to walk. They were playing on the floor and it was all I could do just to lie on the couch and watch. My thoughts kept turning over and over to the unfairness of it all. Why everyone else but me. Why him and his ex having another? Why was I even born if I couldn't have the basics of life to make me happy? Why? Why? Why?
Then the anger came out in hot tears down my face. I didn't want to cry in front of this little innocent child that really knew nothing of what was happening to me. That I wanted to die if I didn't have a purpose. I couldn't even move from the couch. I could not even roll over to hide my tears. I was blinded by the sorrow and the grief.
And then I felt them. The small child in my care had climbed up the couch and onto me. As I lay there trying to blink back the tears they settled on my chest and put those small precious hands on my cheeks. I could see those little clear eyes through the shimmer of tears just staring at me with the unconditional love I had been so desprately seeking through the dream of children of my own. That was the moment.
I answers I sought in grieving hit me and it was light, that stunning light filled the room and I, even now can almost hear the singing of angels. This little child, without words, without an understanding gave me all the answers I needed. The first one was I just had to be here. Right now, in this moment. The second one was that I was needed for another purpose, for them. I was in this situation as much for me as for them. They needed me just as I was, broken and grieving. No expectations, just a presence needed in their life as their parents moved on their path. To have faith that when the time the right it would all fall into place. All I had to do was breathe and be there.
They gave me a small smile and laid down on my chest with a sigh. There was a feeling pf peace and hope. It was exactly what I needed. It is one of those moments I will carry with me all of my life and I know I am blessed through the eyes of a child. I won't say things changed immediately. It took years to accept the losses, but again, another story.
The point of it all is really simple. The life we are living is often not what we imagine for it to be. But it is what we need it to be not only for ourselves, but those around us at any given moment. You do not need to be anything but who you are, where you are and with the understanding we are all connected. You are needed and wanted, no matter the trials you face. You are beautiful. Love others, but most of all, love yourself and be open to love in all its forms.
Blessings
