Mary Furneaux
- Jan 27, 2018
- 5 min read

How to Memorialize a Loved One

Being a medium does mean having clients that are grieving in some way. I am no stranger to grief myself as I lost my father at 26, my mother when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter and four pregnancies before her. It leaves us with feelings that everyone goes through, but are unique to us based on our relationships and the circumstances surrounding the loss. People can sympathize, but only you know the depth of the loss.

I found I resisted my ability to speak to those that have passed, including my own loved ones, as I did not want to hurt others as I was hurt myself. Do no harm, as the saying goes, and grief is an expression of love that needs validation and nurturing.

What I have learned through the process is that it is how we relate our feelings to the person we are missing in the physical sense is a healing journey. Our loved ones want us to celebrate both their lives and our own. They are here in a different form and know how much love there is to share. One of the messages I receive for others is “Please don’t mourn my life, celebrate it”

Memorials come in all shapes and forms and it is as personal as your relationship with the one you have lost. Here are a few suggestions on how to work in a positive way with your grief.

Create A Special Place

Often we have spread the ashes of our loved ones in a place special to them. We may not share the love they had for the place, but creating one close to us that reflects the one they loved helps to keep the connection and create positive memories. Plant a tree or flower in your own yard, create a bench or a chair unique or dedicated to them. If they enjoyed fishing or camping, a part of your outside space can be themed to them. Most towns and cities also have memorial benches or pathways where you can buy a plaque or block with their name on it.

Give from your Heart

Did your loved one have a cause or charity that they believed in? Donate some of your time or money to that cause. Or at the very least learn more about it. It does not need to be related to the reason they passed, in fact a cause that made them happy, is just as healing. One of my daughter’s grandfathers passed tragically when she was nine months old. Giving to the local sick children’s hospital was a way of showing the love he had for her more than the circumstances of his passing.

Make Room for Others

Grieving is a solitary thing, but it is not meant to be. We often believe that once the services are over that we must buck up and move on. Everyone around us seems to be going back into their own routines and finding joy again while we still cry at night. Honestly, we know deep down that isn’t the case.

You are now the keeper of their stories and as such being open to sharing them will help you to move through the process as well. This doesn’t always mean relating to the same people the tragic events of their passing over and over. It can be writing their history in short stories, creating a song or a poem. It can be a piece of art that starts a conversation. Be open to the joy of sharing them with others that never knew them in the most positive ways.

Keepsakes

I miss the days of lockets. I still have a few, but they are empty as I haven’t managed to find a way to get a small enough picture. They were one of the ways I always imaged carrying a loved one with us. With that said, I have seen now where you can carry a few ashes the same way. It doesn’t need to be jewellery, but something that used to be theirs is very reassuring to have. It can be as simple as a shirt, a pair of glasses or even a tool they used often. All that matters is that it has meaning to you.

In some cases you may have a keepsake and have dismissed it as there was something another family member received that you wanted. Please do not do this to yourself; it is never about who got what, but that you shared love between you and your passed loved one. All too often these things cause rifts in the family that prolong grieving for everyone.

Explore Their History

We all come from somewhere and at times that traveled path changes a person making them difficult to have loved and understood. Stepping into your loved ones footsteps can give you new insight as to way they lived. Make a point to visit the place they grew up or lived for a time. See what would have given them moments of joy or happiness. Learn a little of the challenges they overcame or struggled every day to overcome to be the person you knew.

Look at the time in history they lived in to gain perspective on more of your intractable loved ones that you struggled to get close to. A little understanding of what made them unique can deeply heal the wounds and sometimes regrets we have when the relationship was not loving and perfect. I have had to do this to form a more positive relationship with some of my loved ones that have passed. It is lead me to release the fears that I might end up just like them. No one’s life is ever filled with completely negative experiences, but they can change a person and leave us with anger at their living actions or feelings of neglect.

Make a Special Day

Often when we mourn we remember the day they passed over the happier celebration days of one’s life. Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays are occasions where making a point to celebrate for them because I can tell you they are there with you. Add an extra plate to the table, make a dish they loved or wrap a gift just in memory of them to give to another.

Maybe they were lovers of a particular season so pick a day to explore their love of it. Get fresh flowers in the spring, a special warm tea in the fall, or even perhaps a day of learning how to ski or surf. The beauty of this is you get to pick the day and make the most of it in the most joyous way you can imagine.

Create Something Lasting

This can be something like a tattoo or commissioning a piece of art for your home. Think about scholarships or creating a charitable event. You can even make your own memory box or jar that you can place items in in memory of them as they cross your path. We live in a digital age so perhaps even a website in honour of them that you can go back and forth to.

No matter how you choose to remember your loved ones once they have passed, please remember to be kind to yourself. They would never wish you to live in sadness and pain over their loss. They love and want the best this life has to offer to come to you.

As a medium I can help with the validations of this, give you a small connection to them. But this can only be a small step to working with your grief.

If it feels like a cycle you cannot seem to find your way out of, or you are filled with thoughts and feelings of not being able to go on without them, please seek the help of counselors and therapists trained in grief counseling.